Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
