these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
