Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
