I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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