Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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