We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
