the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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