So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
