my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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