I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
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4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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