i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
