imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
