The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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