Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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