He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
