someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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