Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
