I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
