Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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