I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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