I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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