Apparently you make a good broom.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
