I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
