so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
