I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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