we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
