Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
