and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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