Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Operation Purity has been aborted
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
