my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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