So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
