I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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