the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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