i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
