I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
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Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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