Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
