WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I enjoy the company of your penis
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