and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
