god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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