Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't turn off my feet"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
