my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
