Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He felt like a one man threesome
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
