I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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