WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
