She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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