Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I AM VODKA MAN
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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