The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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