You made me cry and you don't even care
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
