o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
