she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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