You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
