Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
