doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
