We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
