he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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