And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
