k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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