I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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