Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
