Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
