Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
