i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
